My divorce came through two and a half years from when my husband and I separated. I had decided I had had enough time on my own and thought I was now ready to find that someone special.
Looking back, it was clear that I hadn’t spent enough time thinking through what was important to me. I thought that if I found someone that I thought was cute, and we had chemistry, then that was a great place to start. The back story was that this did work for me when I was 18 years old.
Over the next three years I went out on dates with guys who I just clicked with. It wasn’t long (often after the first date!) before I was disappointed with who they were.
Two years ago I put the brakes on and decided to stop dating. I had got to know what I didn’t want, so I sat down and wrote a list of what I did want. It was almost fantastical. As if I could find somebody who ticked all these boxes. Alternatively, I decided to remain on my own rather than settle for the wrong man. I did like to talk to both men and women so I decided to look for friends both male and female who had similar values to me, and have found some really amazing friends in the process.
It wasn’t enough that I just clicked and found them attractive, I had to go deeper. I needed to be willing to step outside what was comfortable and sit in my own company, willing to be lonely, to do life on my own with supportive people around me and find satisfaction in life outside a relationship – I had read other people’s stories who suggested this would attract somebody who liked what I was doing, who valued what I valued.
Looking back, I can see I was acting like a chameleon, busy being what I thought my prince charming wanted. I was not being true to myself or to them. I would become disappointed when they didn’t like who I really was and as I got to know them, l didn’t like who they really were either. l did start to see them as frogs, and no longer as prince charming – not because they were frogs, but because they were just not suitable for me or for my family. It is so important to learn confidence of knowing and appreciating who we are, and not having to change ourselves to someone else’s idea of who we should be.
What I found when I finally became real with myself – I was able to step out and say hello to both men and women who caught my attention with having qualities that I liked. I have found friends who inspire me and who also find me inspiring. On the phone, time slips away so easily as we share what we have been up to, and when we get together we laugh so much enjoying each other’s company. These relationships are so important to finding the special someone.
I am now dating a special somebody, who has qualities that are so important to me. We hang out, and help each other to be better and are fast becoming great friends. sharing similar values and helping each other to succeed. As a mother of five children with two still at home, it’s important for me to have someone who isn’t just out to conquer the heart of a princess.